I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)