It is funnier to bend things than to break them.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

Happiness means quiet nerves.

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.

I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.