It is funnier to bend things than to break them.

I never eat before breakfast.

If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

Never work with animals or children.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.