It is funnier to bend things than to break them.

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.