The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?