I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.