W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.

Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.