W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame is always placed on whisky. Why this should be I never could understand. You can die from drinking too much of anything - coffee, water, milk, soft drinks and all such stuff as that. And so as long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing. I will make mine whisky.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.