First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.