Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

Never give a sucker an even break.