I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.
A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.
If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.
All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia