My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.