My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.