I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)