I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.