There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.