There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.

I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.

A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.