There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.