There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

I never met a kid I liked.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.