I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.