If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.

When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.

I like children - fried.

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.