If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.

I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.