If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.

I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.