A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck
Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.