Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

I can do anything I want to do!

All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

I'm searching for loopholes.

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.