Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?

Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.