I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.