The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.