Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.

There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.