Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.