Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.