Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.

I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.