I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.