I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.