I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!

I drink therefore I am.

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.