I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The best thing to break is a contract.

I never met a kid I liked.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?