It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

I like children - fried.