I was funny around my family. My family, they're pretty funny, too.

The first time onstage, a light went on. 'OK, this is my thing. I'm comfortable here. This is my thing.'

The president is on national TV apologizing for getting oral sex. Why didn't he just stick with his lie? You got to stick with your lie. If you lie, you have to believe that lie whole-heartedly. It has to become the truth for you. But this man, the most powerful man in the world, is on national TV apologizing for receiving oral sex. He's an idiot. There are men sitting in here right now who would gladly accept oral sex on national TV.

Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker. I hope his kidneys fail.

I love Costas. He's knows too much, but he's a good guy.

Writers get to stay with the piece. They don't just turn the script in and somebody else takes it over and goes out and produces it and edits it and all that stuff. We stay with the piece all the way through.

I was really gifted at being able to construct a joke, but it's like they weren't even memorable, my first jokes, because they were so about nothing.