As a comedian I don't think they look at me as a sexual person but I can see where with actors it would be a little difficult for them because its part of their mystique, it gives them an easier time to change characters and people aren't going oh we have a gay actor, their gay so I don't know if I'm gunna buy this guy with this girl, its weird, I don't think it's fair; it's only done with us, it seems, like they just accept everyone as straight and go along with it and then its oh their gay and make a big deal out of it.

People say, 'Well don't you regret not having kids?' And I go, 'No, not really.' And then if they keep asking, I always say this, 'Well, you know, maybe I'll adopt.' But I don't mean that. It's just something I say to make me sound like a nicer person.

That word sassy - it haunts me. I keep getting the sassy thing.

I'm here today because I hated everything else.

All these teenagers tell us how much they want to grow up and then when they do they want to be young again.

I think maybe Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker. But he was just so strung out on Oxycontin he missed his flight. Rush Limbaugh, 'I hope the country fails' - I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? ... He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs.

If you don't believe in same-sex marriage, then don't marry somebody of the same sex.