I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs.

People say, 'Well don't you regret not having kids?' And I go, 'No, not really.' And then if they keep asking, I always say this, 'Well, you know, maybe I'll adopt.' But I don't mean that. It's just something I say to make me sound like a nicer person.

I think the worst one [indian mascot] is the Cleveland Indians' Big Chief Wahoo. It's just a red face on a baseball with a big, toothy grin. It's the Sambo of all other offensive mascots. I have never seen a Native American smile that hard before, not even at a casino opening.

Now, I think the people who are still doing stand-up are doing it because they love stand-up.

I don't like doing the same material over and over again. It's not fun.

L.A. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving 'cause it interferes with my drinking.

I'm finally just relaxed and comfortable with who I am.