I always want to go back and do stand-up; I like the freedom.

As soon as you say 'I do,' you'll discover that marriage is like a car. Both of you might be sitting in the front seat, but only one of you is driving. And most marriages are more like a motorcycle than a car. Somebody has to sit in the back, and you have to yell just to be heard.

It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians.

Seriously, I don't need a gun. I'm easily annoyed. I would shoot people in my house that I invited over.

When I am outside at night by myself every person turns into a pedophile. So I tend to walk a little faster than usual and then I sprint.

It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes.

You can't make a woman happy. That's like trying to cure a fatal disease. The goal is to treat the symptoms so you can comfortably live with the illness.