You know the economy is bad when illegals start complaining that Americans are taking their jobs.

It's hard to get fired from the government. You have to, like, kill people.

It's easier to rip somebody to shreds while you're making them laugh.

You know the economy is bad when illegals start complaining that Americans are taking their jobs.

Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker. I hope his kidneys fail.

I enjoy stand-up because it has the biggest reward: instant gratification. You can hear the people laughing.

The president is on national TV apologizing for getting oral sex. Why didn't he just stick with his lie? You got to stick with your lie. If you lie, you have to believe that lie whole-heartedly. It has to become the truth for you. But this man, the most powerful man in the world, is on national TV apologizing for receiving oral sex. He's an idiot. There are men sitting in here right now who would gladly accept oral sex on national TV.