You know the economy is bad when illegals start complaining that Americans are taking their jobs.

Whatever I talk about is what I'm interested in at the time. Politics are big with me. But right now being a mom is taking up most of my time... My act is more family-oriented than it is about politics.

Then you had people who wanted to get into comedy just to get a TV deal.

I think maybe Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker. But he was just so strung out on Oxycontin he missed his flight. Rush Limbaugh, 'I hope the country fails' - I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? ... He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs.

When life gives you lemons don't make lemonade, make pink lemonade. Be unique.

That's what they want: two women. Fellas, I think that's a bit lofty. Because, come on, think about it - if you can't satisfy that one woman, why do you want to piss off another one? Why have two angry women in the bed with you at the same time? And think about it - you know how much you hate to talk after sex, imagine having two women just nagging you to death.

When my parents send me emails the first 3 are blank.