Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
The only way to really have safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.
I've been pitching a show of five female stand-up comedians through the generations, from Phyllis Diller to Amy Schumer, so when I got an e-mail asking me if I would participate in the Women in Comedy Festival, I was thrilled.
My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.
I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one.