I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

In addition to comedy, I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them....well it's killing me!

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

The only way to really have safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.

I took an acting class. After the first day, the teacher quit, so they said take another. When I saw 'How to be a Stand-up Comedian,' it resonated. I realized I'd rather make 200 people laugh than make one person cry.