People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them....well it's killing me!

I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.

I think there have always been funny women, from Carol Burnett to Joan Rivers. When the audience sees a woman, they innately know she's worked twice as hard to get there, she's had to prove that she can be the leader, first, and then be funny on top of it. She has to emit a confidence that she's in control.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

I've been pitching a show of five female stand-up comedians through the generations, from Phyllis Diller to Amy Schumer, so when I got an e-mail asking me if I would participate in the Women in Comedy Festival, I was thrilled.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.

The only way to really have safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.