My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I've been pitching a show of five female stand-up comedians through the generations, from Phyllis Diller to Amy Schumer, so when I got an e-mail asking me if I would participate in the Women in Comedy Festival, I was thrilled.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

In addition to comedy, I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.