My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.

I don't like to channel surf. You guys like it, don't you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to change you.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

In addition to comedy, I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.

I think there have always been funny women, from Carol Burnett to Joan Rivers. When the audience sees a woman, they innately know she's worked twice as hard to get there, she's had to prove that she can be the leader, first, and then be funny on top of it. She has to emit a confidence that she's in control.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.