The only way to really have safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.

I took an acting class. After the first day, the teacher quit, so they said take another. When I saw 'How to be a Stand-up Comedian,' it resonated. I realized I'd rather make 200 people laugh than make one person cry.

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.

I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

In addition to comedy, I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.

I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.