The only way to really have safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.

I don't like to channel surf. You guys like it, don't you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to change you.

In addition to comedy, I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

The only way to really have safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.