I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

I don't like to channel surf. You guys like it, don't you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to change you.

The only way to really have safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.

I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.