I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them....well it's killing me!

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

I took an acting class. After the first day, the teacher quit, so they said take another. When I saw 'How to be a Stand-up Comedian,' it resonated. I realized I'd rather make 200 people laugh than make one person cry.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.

I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.