I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.

I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one.

I don't like to channel surf. You guys like it, don't you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to change you.

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

I think there have always been funny women, from Carol Burnett to Joan Rivers. When the audience sees a woman, they innately know she's worked twice as hard to get there, she's had to prove that she can be the leader, first, and then be funny on top of it. She has to emit a confidence that she's in control.

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them....well it's killing me!