I took an acting class. After the first day, the teacher quit, so they said take another. When I saw 'How to be a Stand-up Comedian,' it resonated. I realized I'd rather make 200 people laugh than make one person cry.

I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them....well it's killing me!

I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.