I took an acting class. After the first day, the teacher quit, so they said take another. When I saw 'How to be a Stand-up Comedian,' it resonated. I realized I'd rather make 200 people laugh than make one person cry.

I took an acting class. After the first day, the teacher quit, so they said take another. When I saw 'How to be a Stand-up Comedian,' it resonated. I realized I'd rather make 200 people laugh than make one person cry.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.

I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.

The only way to really have safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.

I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.

In addition to comedy, I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.