I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.

I don't like to channel surf. You guys like it, don't you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to change you.

I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them....well it's killing me!

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.