I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.

I've been pitching a show of five female stand-up comedians through the generations, from Phyllis Diller to Amy Schumer, so when I got an e-mail asking me if I would participate in the Women in Comedy Festival, I was thrilled.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them....well it's killing me!