I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.

I don't like to channel surf. You guys like it, don't you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to change you.

I've been pitching a show of five female stand-up comedians through the generations, from Phyllis Diller to Amy Schumer, so when I got an e-mail asking me if I would participate in the Women in Comedy Festival, I was thrilled.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them....well it's killing me!

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.