My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

The only way to really have safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.

I don't like to channel surf. You guys like it, don't you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to change you.

I took an acting class. After the first day, the teacher quit, so they said take another. When I saw 'How to be a Stand-up Comedian,' it resonated. I realized I'd rather make 200 people laugh than make one person cry.

I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.