I've been pitching a show of five female stand-up comedians through the generations, from Phyllis Diller to Amy Schumer, so when I got an e-mail asking me if I would participate in the Women in Comedy Festival, I was thrilled.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.

I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.

I don't like to channel surf. You guys like it, don't you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to change you.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?