My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

I took an acting class. After the first day, the teacher quit, so they said take another. When I saw 'How to be a Stand-up Comedian,' it resonated. I realized I'd rather make 200 people laugh than make one person cry.

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.

I think there have always been funny women, from Carol Burnett to Joan Rivers. When the audience sees a woman, they innately know she's worked twice as hard to get there, she's had to prove that she can be the leader, first, and then be funny on top of it. She has to emit a confidence that she's in control.