My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

I don't like to channel surf. You guys like it, don't you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to change you.

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them....well it's killing me!

In addition to comedy, I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.

I've been pitching a show of five female stand-up comedians through the generations, from Phyllis Diller to Amy Schumer, so when I got an e-mail asking me if I would participate in the Women in Comedy Festival, I was thrilled.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.