I hate the outdoors. To me the outdoors is where the car is.

It is my experience that the best way to deal with American politics is 50 milligrams of Zoloft 3 times a day.

There is humor in the specter of the worst disaster in our nation's history. All I have to do is sweep away the debris of shock to find it.

President Bush says we've turned the corner in Iraq. What is that, about 16 corners we've turned? I think they call that running in circles.

The administration says the American people want tax cuts. Well, duh. The American people also want drive-through nickel beer night. The American people want to lose weight by eating ice cream. The American people love the Home Shopping Network because it's commercial-free.

How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the first place? God must have been a Republican.

Voters want a fraud they can believe in.