I hate the outdoors. To me the outdoors is where the car is.

How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the first place? God must have been a Republican.

You can't kill America. We're more than a nation. We're a notion. We're an idea. The American Dream. You never heard of the Afghanistani Dream have you. Except by bearded hermetic recluses with a fetish for uneducated women dressed as giant shuttlecocks.

It is my experience that the best way to deal with American politics is 50 milligrams of Zoloft 3 times a day.

The problem is, we have yet to convince the Taliban they are fellow passengers on spaceship Earth.

In San Francisco, Haloween is redundant.

Well, we won the war. You know what that means. In twenty years, we'll all be driving Iraqi cars