It's okay to laugh in the bedroom so long as you don't point

The reason the Democrats are so intent on passing a stem-cell bill is they're depending on the research to grow themselves a spine.

Everybody says not enough people vote. Now, I don't know nothing, but after the midterms, pretty obvious to me, that too many people vote.

The problem is, we have yet to convince the Taliban they are fellow passengers on spaceship Earth.

You can't kill America. We're more than a nation. We're a notion. We're an idea. The American Dream. You never heard of the Afghanistani Dream have you. Except by bearded hermetic recluses with a fetish for uneducated women dressed as giant shuttlecocks.

It is my experience that the best way to deal with American politics is 50 milligrams of Zoloft 3 times a day.

Budget cuts if you're not rich, tax cuts if you are. Less money for those who don't have any and more to those who do. That's how President Fredo says we're going to get out of the giant deficit hole he's dug. You can't put it any more simply. Rich people richer. Poor people poorer.