When people talk about how in America, anybody can grow up to be President, I'm not sure George Bush is exactly what they had in mind.

It is my experience that the best way to deal with American politics is 50 milligrams of Zoloft 3 times a day.

The administration says the American people want tax cuts. Well, duh. The American people also want drive-through nickel beer night. The American people want to lose weight by eating ice cream. The American people love the Home Shopping Network because it's commercial-free.

Comedy is defiance. It's a snort of contempt in the face of fear and anxiety. And it's the laughter that allows hope to creep back on the inhale.

Voters want a fraud they can believe in.

Well, we won the war. You know what that means. In twenty years, we'll all be driving Iraqi cars

Everybody says not enough people vote. Now, I don't know nothing, but after the midterms, pretty obvious to me, that too many people vote.