Everybody says not enough people vote. Now, I don't know nothing, but after the midterms, pretty obvious to me, that too many people vote.

It is my experience that the best way to deal with American politics is 50 milligrams of Zoloft 3 times a day.

You can't kill America. We're more than a nation. We're a notion. We're an idea. The American Dream. You never heard of the Afghanistani Dream have you. Except by bearded hermetic recluses with a fetish for uneducated women dressed as giant shuttlecocks.

Well, we won the war. You know what that means. In twenty years, we'll all be driving Iraqi cars

How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the first place? God must have been a Republican.

The administration says the American people want tax cuts. Well, duh. The American people also want drive-through nickel beer night. The American people want to lose weight by eating ice cream. The American people love the Home Shopping Network because it's commercial-free.

I hate the outdoors. To me the outdoors is where the car is.