This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

America is a nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but it can think of nothing to do once it gets there.

Where I come from, they won't let me play with this rope. They think I might hurt myself.

We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by.

I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one.

The budget is like a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, then reaches in and tries to pull real ones out.

The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.