There are three things Jewish people worship-God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.

Figures tell us there are already more people on earth than we need to move even the heaviest piano.

Dear Mom and Dad, Leave $50,000 in a bag under the bridge on Decatur Street. If there is no bridge on Decatur Street, please build one.

All i have in my life is my imagination

I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. I'm 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.

I never knew what Amazon was. I've never seen any of those series, even on cable. I've never seen The Sopranos, or Mad Men. I'm out every night and when I come home, I watch the end of the baseball or basketball game, and there's Charlie Rose and I go to sleep.

Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.