I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

Life is for the living.

When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him?

You are much more dependent on luck than you think. People say if you want to have a good relationship, you have to work at it. But you never hear it about anything you really like, about sailing or going to soccer games.

I sued American Apparel because they calculatingly took my name, my likeness and image and used them publicly to promote their business.

[An audience conditioned by a lifetime of television-watching is so corrupted that] their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.