[An audience conditioned by a lifetime of television-watching is so corrupted that] their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!

Some people want to achieve immortality through their works or their descendants. I prefer to achieve immortality by not dying.

Dying is like making love, except you don't get naseous afterwards.

Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.

Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.

Those who can't do, teach!