If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.

You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only-only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.

My brain? It's my second favorite organ!

Ads answered out of desperation in the New York Review of Books proved equally futile as…the 'Bay Area Bisexual' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

You always think another time would have been ideal for you . . . the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.