And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

I hope you're getting this down.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

God, you Jews are truly exotic." Exotic? She should only know the Greenblatts. Or Mr. and Mrs. Milton Sharpstein, my father's friends. Or for that matter, my cousin Tovah. Exotic? I mean, they're nice, but hardly exotic with their endless bickering over the best way to combat indigestion or how far back to sit from the television set.

Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.