I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles.

I learned a few things on my own since, and modified some of the things he taught me, but everything, unequivocally, that I learned about comedy writing I learned from Danny Simon.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Sentence structure is innate, but whining is acquired.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

Someday the lion is going to lie down with the lamb, but the lamb isn't going to get much sleep.

As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.