Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject.

Existence for eternity could get a little boring... especially towards the end.

The artist can't give you an answer that's satisfying to the dreadful reality of your existence. So the best you can do is maybe entertain people and refresh them for an hour-and-a-half.

They were doing the Dying Swan at the ballet. And there was a rumor that some bookmarkers had drifted into town from upstate New York and that they had fixed the bullet. There was a lot of money bet on the swan to live.

I've had bad luck in my two previous marriages. The first wife left me, and the second did not. ­

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?