How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.

I think Hollywood has gone in a disastrous path. It's terrible. The years of cinema that were great were the '30s, '40s, not so much the '50s...but then the foreign films took over and it was a great age of cinema as American directors were influenced by them and that fueled the '50s and '60s and '70s.

I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion.... but it won't get much sleep.

Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: "At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be."

Ninety percent of life is just showing up.