All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

Last year I had difficulty with my income tax. I tried to take my analyst off as a business deduction. The Government said it was entertainment. We compromised finally and made it a religious contribution.

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

And Nietzche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we're going to live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.