I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I learned a few things on my own since, and modified some of the things he taught me, but everything, unequivocally, that I learned about comedy writing I learned from Danny Simon.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh Hefner's mansion.